A blur...

I haven't blogged in what feels like forever. Crazy enough, it has been almost a year. This year for us has been a blur. If you have a minute (or thirty), please continue reading to find out why...

A few weeks ago, we got a visit from a member of our bishopric and one of the high council to see how we were doing. We shared the story I am about to share with them and were counseled to write it down so that someone can gain strength from it as we have.

Here goes...

About 5 years ago, Nate noticed that on and off he was bleeding when he went to the bathroom. Knowing that wasn't normal, he had some different tests done that led him to getting a colonoscopy. With the results of the colonoscopy, he was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (UC) (Google it...it is some horrible stuff), which is an autoimmune disease that presents with ulcers in the colon and severe diarrhea (among other things). There is no cure and it is likely hereditary. At that time, it seemed to be just a small issue in the left side of his colon and he wasn't experiencing any pain, just occasional issues with gurgling in his digestive system. He was prescribed some drugs and the blood stopped. Over time, he would experience "flare ups" where he would bleed again or have other digestive issues, but he could take prednisone for a week or so and be fine again for months.

Fast forward to March 2012...Nate started having another flare up. This time it was the worst it had ever been...pain, digestive issues, large amounts of blood, fatigue, weakness, vomiting, etc. He was miserable. He took drug after drug with little, if any, relief. He had a colonoscopy in June, where it was discovered that the UC had progressed to the point where he now had severe inflammation in his colon, ulcers throughout, etc. The doctor decided to put him on an aggressive medication, called Remicade, that some people with this condition considered a miracle drug. These are administered through an IV infusion every 8 weeks (side note: this is about $5,000 each time he has an infusion). He has been on this since July 2012, and has not experienced much relief from his symptoms at all, and he has lost about 50 pounds from lack of appetite. Most recently, they have doubled his dosage ($10,000 now!) and increased the frequency. We haven't seen improvement, but are hoping it will come soon.

At this point, he has good days and bad days, but basically for almost a year now he has been sick, exhausted, and generally not able to function and do the things that he normally enjoys. The flare up just has never ended. There have been a lot of holidays, events, and other functions that he just can't make it to because he is just too weak, in too much pain, too sick, etc. In addition, we have lived through multiple fun things like a blood transfusion due to severe anemia, blood clots, severe joint pain, cat scans, etc.

So that's the story. I've got a sick hubby and there are some days we are lucky to hold everything together. Some days, I feel like a single parent. Boo hoo...right?

As bad as things have been this past year, I hope I can put into words the overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel for how much the Lord has blessed us and prepared us to be able to handle this. Here are some of those things:

Nate and I had always hoped for the "perfect Mormon family." In this scenario, I am stay at home mom, we have tons of kids, a minivan, Nate has some amazing job, a huge house with a basement and a large yard etc. We do have the minivan, but everything else is a bust. Through this experience I realized that if we had that "perfect Mormon family" this condition would be devastating to our family. For example, Nate missed a lot of work last year and he used all of his vacation and sick time long before the year was over. As a result, some of his paychecks were microscopic. One of those occurred around Christmas time. Had we not been prompted that I should go back to work a few years ago, this would have been devastating for us. Instead, it was a blip on the radar.

Another item...tons of kids. The reality is that I can't even imagine dealing with several kids, maybe a toddler or a newborn during this time. Our kids are 5 and 7, so they are pretty independent. They are potty trained, they can take a bath or shower without help, they can make a sandwich. Some days, they have had to do all of those things. They also, about 80% of the time, get a long very well. They are best friends. This independence and camaraderie that the share has decreased our level of stress significantly during this time. We have always wanted more kids, but it just wasn't happening. I was sad, but I never felt prompted to look at adoption or fertility treatments. There were times I felt guilty because of that. How could I be a "Mormon Mom" with two kids? How could I be so selfish? During this trial with Nate's illness, I FINALLY came to the realization that this "perfect Mormon family" does not exist. I am totally at peace with our two kids. I do not feel that there is another child waiting to come to our family - and I am okay with that! Heavenly Father knew that this trial was coming and prepared us by NOT blessing us with with a large family.

We always wanted a house on some property with a shop, maybe a go-cart track, etc. If we had some huge yard and toys to take care of, during this illness it would have caused some serious additional stress. Instead, we bought our small house at the peak of the housing boom and are TOTALLY underwater. Yay! Some might say that we are "trapped" here, but through this illness, we are so grateful that we are living in our small home with a manageable yard. The only regret is that it only has one bathroom. Seriously? Who has only one bathroom. The Wall Family...that's who. Blech.

Another huge blessing is that Nate has always wanted to work with the youth at church. He was called as Cubmaster before this all started happening. He loves this calling and loves to go all out with theatrics at the Pack Meetings, which required a lot of energy from him. As his condition worsened, he was concerned that he wouldn't be able to fulfill his calling. He received a priesthood blessing where he was promised that he would be able to fulfill his calling. As a result, prior to each pack meeting, his symptoms subside and he has been able to successfully complete his pack meetings. It takes him a few days to recover, but he somehow has the stamina to make it through something that he physically cannot do at any other time. This has strengthened my testimony of the priesthood immensely.

We have been blessed with a supportive ward and an amazing group of friends that will help us at the drop of a hat. We have had surprise meals, visits, people doing yard work for us, etc. While it is difficult to accept help, it has been so appreciated. We have felt so loved. It is amazing what even a simple hug or smile can do!

Finally, I'd like to add how much this trial has improved our marriage. We both feel that our relationship has been strengthened as we have lived though (and continue to live through) this trial. We depend on each other more, we help each other, and we have laughed through it! When things are hard, I'm so thankful to have an eternal companion by my side that makes me laugh and gives me comfort when I need it.

I know that Heavenly Father is real and He has a plan for each of us. I feel like we are the poster children for that. Nothing in our lives has gone according to OUR plan, but we have been blessed to be able to look back and see His hand in so many things that have led us to this point. I know that if we even just try to keep the commandments, even a little bit, we are blessed far beyond what we could ever imagine. Our lives are a manifestation of that. I can truly say that I am happy and grateful for what this trial has brought into our lives.